


Forget-Me-Not

by Bxanie



Category: Love Live! School Idol Festival (Video Game), Love Live! School Idol Project, Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: Angst, Blood, F/F, Lots of Angst, ghost figure, major angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-20
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-05 07:52:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14039610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bxanie/pseuds/Bxanie
Summary: After a traumatic event, Kanan has to come face-to-face with her mistakes





	1. Sorrow

**Author's Note:**

> TW: There's a mention of blood due to a stab wound, if that makes you uncomfortable, you might want to stay away from this.  
> I put ghosts in the tags, but it isn't a spiritual horror story, don't worry if you're afraid of ghosts, you're safe.

_This is my punishment. This is my own fault. The reason she’s here, it’s all because of me. I can’t exactly blame her or tell her to go away and leave me alone either. It all is rather cruel though…_

It wasn’t the first day Kanan had decided to ignore Ruby’s cries for her to go to school - wasn’t like the younger girl would find out anyway. Kanan liked dozing off on the hill beside Mari’s hotel and just forget about all her worries. It was a place where she could be fully relaxed. Yet, at the same time, it was rather bittersweet. With it being one of the only places that filled her head with happy thoughts about Ruby, rather than the ones that tormented her constantly.

She couldn’t be one to complain. After all, she was the one that had caused such terrible turns of events to happen to Ruby in the first place. If only she had paid more attention...

Kanan had tried forgetting about it all at first. She drowned away her sorrow and guilt by doing everything possible to distract herself and stay out of the house. She went swimming, even when it was freezing cold. She went running, even when it was coming down hard. She went drinking with Mari, even if she couldn’t hold her alcohol at all. All to forget and erase the guilt she held that came with Ruby’s death. 

 _“What exactly are you doing here?”_ Kanan shot out of her dazed state by the familiar voice at her side. Upon spotting Ruby’s ghostly figure, she looked away as if she had seen something that she didn’t want to see. The condition Ruby’s spiritual body was in, wasn’t exactly pleasant to look at. The bright red spot over the center of her body was quite apparent and shocking. It ate away at Kanan, with guilt resurfacing in her own gut every time she looked and watched as the red dripped down Ruby’s shirt and over her skirt, making the white skirt a quite eerie scarlet. It felt as if she herself was the one being stabbed.

“I-I was just...relaxing after class, that’s all. I was about to head home..”

“Don’t lie to me, Kanan…” Kanan had expected Ruby to scold her like she always did, but the tone of her voice was the exact opposite. It was soft and reassuring - as if Ruby was telling her that it was all okay and that she could let it all go now. She didn't have to hide her guilt anymore. 

Kanan knew better.

Ruby was a ghost that came to haunt her for the mistakes she made that day. To remind her how she hadn’t improved in the slightest since then, and that she was just a worthless human being who let her lover die in her arms. What had she done since then? Nothing, absolutely nothing to better herself as a person. She was still the same scum as the day Ruby died, over half a year ago.

“What do you expect me to do then…? Pretend I'm okay?” Her voice was flat, and her eyes were empty - as if all possible life had been sucked out of Kanan Matsuura.

“Just...go to school. Or stay home. Don’t just wander off like that...it’s like you’re saying you’d rather not be around me…” Ruby hadn’t raised her voice at all, yet her words caused Kanan to react with raw, heavy emotions.

“How am I supposed to go home?!? How do you expect me to pretend everything is okay after what happened?!? Don't you hate me?!?"

“Then what do you _want_ to do?!? Hang around and do nothing all day?!? Throw your life away?!? Huh?!?” Ruby raised her voice now too, with one hand pressed to her chest and clutching the fabric right where her heart was, or well, where it had been.

Kanan seemed to calm down a little after that. The older girl was known for having short, violent outbursts that died down quickly. Kanan was full of emotion that she wasn’t good at containing, Ruby knew this, and the younger girl knew exactly how to make her feel better. Even now, after Ruby had died, she was still only thinking about Kanan and her happiness.

“Why aren’t you angry…?” Kanan’s voice fell flat once more but grew increasingly more desperate with each word.

“You’re here to haunt me, aren’t you? You’re here to remind me of what I did to you! You’re here to remind me that I was an idiot! Hahaha…” Kanan had pressed a hand to her face that was already wiping away tears from her eyes that continued to fall over and over again. They didn’t seem to stop, a waterfall full of sorrow, guilt, and anger all pouring out at once.

“Just tell me you hate me and move on. I want you to be happy! I want you to be happy in the afterlife at least...so please just go away. Just move on with your life!” Kanan let out a heart-wrenching cry and now used the back of both of her hands to brush away tears falling from the corners of her eyes.

She didn’t expect the sudden, surprising, warmth around her shoulders. Thin arms had surrounded her and Kanan could feel Ruby’s head leaning on top of her own. Even as Kanan cried more and more, Ruby never once grew aggressive or mean to her. The red-haired girl simply held her, saying sweet things into her ear and running a hand through those blue locks she loved so much.

 _“I love you,_ Kanan-chan _.”_

Kanan held onto one of Ruby’s arms desperately, as if the other girl would disappear again if she let go.

“I’m sorry...I’m sorry Ruby. I’m sorry. Please stay with me. Please stay with me forever. I’m sorry. I'll be good this time. I'll protect you this time. I swear, I won't let anyone hurt you. I won't be bad anymore. Just please stay with me...” Kanan whined, letting out more cries of grief and clinging to Ruby hysterically. Ruby, in her turn simply pressed small kisses to Kanan’s head as the other girl continued to cry out her heart and pleaded for her to stay. 

Kanan's cries eventually died down, to the level where she was just softly sobbing away while holding onto Ruby's figure.

“I-I love you too, Ruby," Kanan said between choked sobs.

Ruby had a soft, bittersweet smile on her face. She wanted to be with Kanan for real, she wanted to be with Kanan and get married to her and tell her everything was okay now. That they would work things out together. 

Ruby let tears slip out the corners of her own eyes.

“I know Kanan, I know,” She said between choked out sobs of her own. She cradled Kanan and softly cried against her. 

_Oh Kanan, If only you’d realize that a little sooner..._

_I wonder if things would have turned out differently for us then..._

_I wanted to stay with you for so much longer..._

_I'm sorry too..._

_I loved you so much._


	2. Acceptance

Weeks passed, and nothing significant happened. Ruby’s spirit form kept following Kanan around, and Kanan seemed happier than ever. Just seeing Kanan smile, put Ruby at ease. Even after everything that happened, Kanan was starting to accept the situation around her.

They didn’t speak about it, but Ruby was sure Kanan realized that her time was limited and that soon, she would disappear for good. However, Kanan didn’t seem sad at all, rather she seemed happy that she got to spend extra time with Ruby.

Because of her ghostly figure, Ruby never had to sleep, so she could watch as Kanan cuddled up close and clung to her. It felt good to have her warmth surround her. Ruby swore she could fade away in Kanan’s arms happily, right there and there. She didn’t want that though, she wanted to have a proper goodbye and give Kanan her best wishes.

Life continued as usual. Graduation came and the cherry blossoms were in full bloom. Kanan graduated without too many issues. She decided against going to college and instead, work at her parent’s diving shop. Right now, she didn’t feel mentally ready to take such an exhausting step as college was. Mari and Dia moved away. Chika, You and the others started going to their new high school. Aqours was disbanded shortly after Ruby died, yet Kanan didn’t feel lonesome at all.

After all, Ruby was right by her side all along.

“Welcome!” Kanan called out her signature greeting after hearing the little ‘ding’ of the front door opening. She turned away from the diving equipment she was sorting away to look at the customer. Quickly Kanan realized that this ‘customer’ wasn’t a customer at all.

“Maru-chan.” Ruby whispered, watching her best friend walk towards the counter and ignore her existence completely. Kanan shot Ruby a glance but didn’t say anything. Ruby already felt tears leaking from the corners of her eyes. She wrapped her arms around the girl as she came to a halt in front of the counter. Even if Hanamaru couldn’t feel Ruby, Ruby could feel _her_.

Kanan had a bittersweet smile on her lips at the sight. However, to appear as normal as usual, her attention turned to Hanamaru’s face rather than space behind her.

“Maru-chan, I take it you’re not here for diving lessons?”

“You always cut right to the chase, don’t you? Kanan-chan.” Maru chuckled softly, squeezing the strap of her schoolbag. “Would it be okay if I borrowed you for a few minutes? I want to talk to you..”

Kanan didn’t have to be a psychologist to realize that Maru was very tense. She stepped away from the counter, went to the back door that led to her house and yelled ‘Dad, I’m going out for a few minutes, could you watch the shop?’ It only took a minute or so for Kanan’s father to appear and take over the counter

Kanan and Hanamaru made their way to the pier, with a ghostly Ruby silently following the both of them. Kanan send Ruby a few glances as they walked, and Ruby nodded every time. She wanted to know what Maru wanted too. It was all so sudden.

Kanan sat down at the end of the pier, taking off her shoes and dangling her legs over the edge. Her feet barely able to touch the water, but it felt somewhat refreshing anyway. Ruby sat down against Kanan’s back, leaning against her. Kanan’s heart felt a little warmer, and the tension she was holding in her body disappeared with a sigh.

Hanamaru was sitting next to Kanan, with her legs dangling above the water in a similar manner. She stared down at the sea with a bittersweet smile on her lips.

“Ruby-chan really started liking the sea because of you, y’know? She was always talking about how she wanted to go diving more so she could be with you.”

“I think it was both ways. Ruby-chan was always so interested in fashion and idols, I kind of started becoming interested in them because of her,” Kanan said. She leaned back a little against Ruby’s form. Kanan felt relaxed knowing that Ruby was right there by her side, even now.

“You know, Kanan-chan….” Hanamaru’s voice trailed off a little - as if she was trying to put Kanan on edge. Which certainly worked, because Kanan felt some tension seeping back into her body. Her body started shaking and guilt filled Kanan’s gut all over again. Ruby reached behind her, placing one of her hand’s over Kanan’s to help her calm down.

“....I never did figure out why Ruby-chan decided to stay with you after that. After all, you did hurt her. You kept telling her it would all be okay too. Isn’t that just a bit cruel?” Kanan felt a shiver roll down her spine as Hanamaru said that. She felt sick to her stomach and she felt Ruby tense up against her back. A soft gasp left Ruby’s mouth and her hand started trembling slightly. Kanan wondered why? Because of incoming memories of her death? Because of Hanamaru asking such a question in the first place? Or perhaps a different reason?

Kanan swallowed back the lump that was starting to form in her throat. She dipped her toe into the water and watched the calm flow of the sea be disrupted.

“I guess, Ruby-chan just really loved me and I really loved her. I didn’t realize just how toxic our relationship had become from my side, and Ruby-chan suffered because of it. We broke up and then...we got back together after I fixed my act. Perhaps I should have left her alone and she would have still been alive.” Kanan felt Ruby shift behind her. Once she glanced over her shoulder she saw that the pink-haired girl had buried her head in her shirt.

Then, Kanan heard soft sobs come from Ruby’s form and it was really, _really_ hard to hold back her own sobs after that.

“If Ruby and I never got together in the first place, she wouldn’t have been targeted by my old gang and she would have never gotten killed. That’s the truth. If I had left her alone, if I had left Aqours as soon as I joined that gang, Ruby wouldn’t have gotten hurt.” Kanan’s voice was trembling after those words. Her hands became shaky and tears formed in the corners of her eyes.

“Kanan-chan. I think Ruby really really loved you. I don’t think she would have been happy if you had left.” Hanamaru cheerfully kicked her legs back and forth, as if this was the most normal discussion in the world.

“After all, if she didn’t love you, she would have never gotten back together with you. And if you didn’t love her, you would have never tried to fix your attitude and leave your gang in the first place. From what I heard, you tried really hard to save her too.” Hanamaru’s voice cheerful voice fell flat and emotionless as if she had conflicted feelings about this.

She wiped her eyes without a word and got up to the surprise of Kanan. The younger girl slipped back into her shoes and pulled her school bag over her shoulder again.

“I can’t exactly forgive you for what happened, but I know Ruby-chan would want you to be happy. And since Ruby-chan is my best friend, I’ll support you as much as I can.”

Kanan let out a soft gasp and behind her, she felt Ruby’s form softly thug at her shirt. The older girl looked up at Hanmaru with a confused expression.

“Maru-chan…” Kanan whispered and the girl gave her a bittersweet smile. She had tears in the corners of her eyes as well.

“If you ever need anything. Whether that’s a shoulder to lean on, studies or anything else, please call me. I know that’s what Ruby-chan would have wanted. So I’m going to give it my **_ganbaruby!_ ** ”

* * *

“What do you think, Ruby-chan?” Kanan asked. They hadn’t said anything ever since Hanamaru left. Kanan had gone up to her room and Ruby followed. They were laying down on Kanan’s bed, with Ruby turned away from her in a spooning position.

Kanan nuzzled into her hair, smelling the faint scent of strawberry shampoo still in her hair. Kanan had always associated that scent with home, but after all that happened, it just reminded her of the mistakes she had made.

“I’m happy Maru-chan is offering you support..” She whispered. The smaller girl held onto Kanan’s hands and slowly rolled over in her arms. When she did, Kanan could see the tears forming in her eyes.

“It’s so frustrating! I want to live! I want to hug her! I want to love! I want to love you...I want to kiss you. I want to marry you. Kanan-chan, why did you take that away from me? Why did you have to join that stupid gang? Why couldn’t you just be satisfied with me?” Ruby started hitting Kanan’s chest over and over. Her hits weren’t painful to Kanan at all, rather her words were stinging and piercing her heart with each extra punch that Ruby brought down on her chest.

“Ruby-chan..”

All Kanan could do was hold Ruby as she pounded her fists against her chest. Ruby was crying in frustration, yelling over and over at Kanan how much of an idiot she was - how happy they could have been together. Kanan was an idiot! An imbecile! The worst of the worst!

“Ruby-chan. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.” Kanan nuzzled into her neck while Ruby continued to cry and trash around. Kanan simply bit her lip and sat through it.

“Ruby..” Kanan whispered suddenly, grabbing onto Ruby’s hands and squeezing them softly. Ruby continued to pound away at her chest, screaming and crying out in anger and pain.

“Ruby!” Kanan called out once more. That seemed to calm the other girl down. Her fists stopped and she buried her head into Kanan’s neck and softly cried more.

“Hey, Ruby-chan….will you wait for me?” Ruby’s cries came to a halt. She pulled away slightly to look into Kanan’s eyes. Her own eyes were a bright red and her hands were shaking hard.

“I know you can’t stay with me forever. I know there will be a day, likely soon, that you’ll have to move on. My time without you will be up, but…” Kanan’s voice trailed off and she felt another lump form in her throat.

“I’ll be all alone again, but... I think I can bear it if you tell me you’ll wait for me. Let’s get reincarnated together, so I can meet you again in another life. I want to show you I can love you properly. I want to love you fully!” Kanan had a determination in her eyes that Ruby hadn’t seen since the girl came to her rescue as a child. Ruby nearly melted when she saw that. New tears gathered in her eyes and spilled over her cheeks quickly.

“Hmm... I’ll wait....I’ll wait as long as it takes...All I've ever wanted was to be happy with Kanan-chan.”

“Then perhaps I should die soon so you won’t have to wait for so long!”

“Kanan-chan, don’t even joke about that!” Yet, they couldn't help giggling a little at Kanan's twisted sense of humor. 

Ruby buried her face in the crook of Kanan’s neck again after that, and the older girl ran a hand through those strawberry scented locks - Those strawberry scented locks that smelled like home all over again...

* * *

Ruby became more and more transparent after that day. It all slow at first, but after that day the process sped up rapidly. It only took a month for Ruby to barely even be visible. Kanan could still see her, still feel her, but she knew the end was near.

She took Ruby to the hill behind Mari’s hotel that night. She had set-up the telescope this morning while away on her morning run. Nobody ever came to that hill anymore anyway, it was very unlikely someone would come and steal it.

She held Ruby’s hand the entire time. She didn’t want to cry anymore, but she had prepared herself mentally that their final goodbye would be very painful. So perhaps, it was best to do it under the sparkling stars. A good memory, for the both of them, to keep going through the hard times that were coming.

Kanan was going to be all by herself, and Ruby was going to have to wait for god-knows-how-long. So, during that period Kanan wanted to have a reminder. So that she could always remember the happy moments she had with Ruby and give it her best. Her ganbaruby _ ~~ **.**~~_

Ruby smiled upon seeing the telescope pointed at the sky. She turned to her side to see Kanan hold up a picnic blanket and she couldn’t help but giggle a little at the smug grin Kanan was making.

She let go of Ruby’s hand so she could spread out the blanket in front of the telescope. She sat down herself first and then held out her hand for Ruby to grasp. The girl did so and they both sat there. Ruby wanted to talk about the constellations, but Kanan didn’t seem to be in the mood for that.

She understood though, she understood that this was the night that they would part. Ruby didn’t have any time left, by morning she would be gone, she knew that better than anyone. However, she didn’t want to go. She didn’t want to leave Kanan’s side. There was so much she still wanted to do. So much she still wanted to feel - Things she wanted to feel with Kanan by her side.

Ruby felt a lump form in her throat and she let out a choked out sob. Kanan turned to her and put her hands on her cheeks, quickly wiping away tears. “Shhh. Shhh. Ruby, don’t cry. Don’t cry, I’ll cry too. Let’s not be sad, okay?”

Kanan said. It was clear, however, that tears were forming in her eyes too. Kanan’s arms wrapped around Ruby’s body and pressed the girl’s head against her chest. Ruby nuzzled into her chest, listening to Kanan’s sobs and the fast pounding of her heart.

Ruby quickly noticed though, that her tears didn’t even hit Kanan’s shirt anymore. They disappeared before they even slid off her face. Kanan must have noticed too since she pulled away from Ruby.

“Ruby. I don’t want you to go. I want you to stay. I want you to stay.” Despite her words, from earlier, Kanan was clinging to Ruby and begging her not go like all those months ago when she first appeared.

“Please, stay with me…”

“I can’t, Kanan-chan. I promised. I promised to wait for you, so I have to go now. So Ruby can be there when Kanan-chan arrives.” Ruby felt a soft smile thug at the corners of her lips while she cried into Kanan’s shirt again.

Kanan sobbed for a few more minutes before pulling away entirely and wiping her eyes. She surprised by Ruby by getting up and walking away from Ruby a little.

Ruby watched Kanan’s back - watched it tense up and loosen. The other girl then suddenly turned to her again and spread her arms open wide, with a soft smile on her lips. Tears spilled out of her eyes again, but Ruby couldn’t blame her for that.

“Then...let’s say goodbye with one last...ganbahaggu?”

Ruby didn’t realize how quickly she could move until then. Her feet moved all by itself, practically throwing herself into Kanan’s arms and burying her head into her chest as Kanan held her body close to her. They were supposed to go out happily, but right then, as Ruby’s body started to sparkle and fade, Ruby wanted to stay more than anything.

She wanted to kiss Kanan one final time.

She pulled away, stood on her tiptoes and pecked Kanan’s lips. And even though the feeling was faint, Kanan swore that her lips still tasted as sweet as the first time they kissed.

  _Thank_ _you Kanan-chan. Thank you for everything. I’m sorry. Bye-bye._

_I love you._

Kanan was holding onto empty air then, tears flowing down her cheeks with nothing to cry into. Not anymore.

Ruby was gone, forever.

"Ruby. I love you. I love you too. Forever and ever and ever!"

But, Kanan knew that Ruby would always wait for her, no matter how long it would take, Ruby would wait for her.

They would be together again, one day, and they would happy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I only cried 15 times while writing this
> 
> (Also i was too sad to proofread so maybe tomorrow eeey)

**Author's Note:**

> Hugely inspired by Anohana if it wasn't obvious (Go watch it if you haven't)  
> Also, I might make a separate collection of smaller fics I have done since this one isn't really all that big and I keep getting inspired to write, but not to write like...large things. 
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed the angsty KanaRuby
> 
> My Tumblr: Kanabxanie Twitter: Bxanie  
> (Give me suggestions for more KanaRuby if you feel so inclined)


End file.
